Hello. I just want to take the opportunity to say thank you for reading. It really means a lot to me when people that know me take the time to read about this struggle. I can’t thank you enough for your support.

Medications are a touchy subject. Not because I’m sensitive about it. Because it affects everyone differently. Many have horrible side effects. Some work. Some of the medications I was on had some side effects that really affect your life. Let’s just say they don’t help in your love life. I was not aware of the side effect for years. One medication I do recommend you talk to your doctor about if you are depressed and are already on antidepressants: Abilify or Aripiprazole. That one actually made a difference for me. Talk to your doctor. It works in conjunction with your current medications as a booster to antidepressants.

I had some terrible doctors. One of them misdiagnosed me as bi-polar. Put me on a heavy dosage of the wrong medication. Took me off of my antidepressants, in the midst of this he lost his license due to bad record keeping if I remember correctly. I was a zombie. I couldn’t function. When I was working I forgot the simplest things, like punching in for work. Completely forgot. I had no choice but to resign. My anxiety was so bad I couldn’t manage my day to day responsibilities in a way I was satisfied with.

Try to find a doctor that is kind. Shows humanity. It’s not as easy as you think sometimes. If you have a good doctor. Hold on to them. If you don’t, then let go and find another. The longer you wait, the better chance you have of having a crisis without the proper care, it could be very bad for you. There is a whole lot of wrong advice. Make sure you’re honest with your healthcare professional. They can’t help you if they don’t know all the facts. If you are using illegal drugs. Tell them. It’s not their job to arrest you. Medication can have nasty effects if mixed with the wrong things. Be honest.

The single best medication that I personally think made the most impact for me in a 100% positive role, is cannabis. Here is a stone cold fact for you: Without it, I would not be here period. I simply can’t be any more real with you about this. It saves the lives of more than just cancer patients and other horrible diseases. It works for me, I’m not telling anyone to go do it. I want you to do your own research. I want you to educate yourself about it. I smoke and vape it. There is an old school thought that using it is wrong. That it’s like alcohol, a motivation robber. That is an incorrect assumption and an old way of thinking from government propaganda. It is up to the individual, not the medication if you have no motivation or are lazy. Put the blame where it needs to go, the person, not the plant.

I’ll explain what it does for me. Depression and anxiety, consume your moment to moment thoughts, meaning that is all you can think about. Things that you can’t change, and they overwhelm you. To the point of not being able to concentrate. Visualizing your suicide can take a lot of mental focus. It consumes you. When I smoke cannabis, anxiety is instantly removed. I know that my worries are still there, but for a while, it sets them aside. I worry a lot about things I have no control over. I’m not the only one. Many people do even without anxiety or depression. The effects of weed simply take those problems and put them in that box and store it away for later. It provides relief. Relief to my mental wounds that don’t seem to heal. It provides relief to the shakes I get from panic attacks, the feeling you get in your chest like your heart is about to explode…goes away instantly. I would have absolutely killed myself in my 20s without it. It’s that simple. It saved my life.

I want to make one thing perfectly crystal clear. I do not want sympathy. I detest the thought and idea that anyone feel sorry for me. Don’t. Perhaps I’ve been dealt a worse hand then some. But many have been far worse off then myself in this world and folded. I can take it. Some have not been so lucky. I’ve known a few people who have died by their own hand.

I will tell you what I do want, empathy. I want people to feel empathy for those around them. To put yourself in someone else s shoes and walk that mile. You might be surprised of the weight they are carrying.

Its funny, we don’t tell people with diabetes to “man up” or “get over it” or my favorite, “Its all in your head”. Um yeah, where else do you think mental illness resides?

Its a disease folks. Not a choice. A chemical imbalance. I don’t sit around and feel sorry for myself, and expect my friends to give me attention. I sit around trying to deflect thoughts of self destruction and not follow through with them. I have lost so many friends to this. So god damn many. But because I hate myself and have no energy I stay home by myself 90% of the time. My anxiety keeps me prisoner. My nice little home is my prison and here I will stay. Doing my time until its time to leave this world. Old age hopefully but, at the same time…I already feel old at my age. I feel that if, a person who didn’t experience depression in the way that I have become so familiar, would not fare well in my world. A dream you can’t wake up from. Welcome to my nightmare.

I like to try to make people laugh because I used to be really good at it. It made me feel good and fool myself into being happy that I could make someone else happy. In school, I was the class clown. I wanted to be the funny guy. For a while it worked. But,when you don’t want to repeat your jokes, you run out of material. And you improvise. Not always a good idea. When you fail at something you used to be good at, well, I grew to hate myself even more.

Where does this self hate come from? Somewhere in childhood. I have some really great qualities to share with people. I’m very very aware that I’m not perfect. Painfully aware of every detail. But, I always thought that I had some qualities worth holding onto and thought they would be valuable to at least someone. But the negative thoughts, the voices if you will. (Note: I don’t actually hear voices but my conscience works against me) I can’t see the good qualities. I only see ugly. So much, that I don’t want people to see me in the same light as I view myself. So I stay hidden away. I don’t want to see people. But I’m so damn lonely, it actually hurts.

Many days I go without seeing anyone, or even talking to anyone. Maybe a text. The only face I see is the one looking back at me in the mirror. I spend a lot of time hating that person.

“I’m my own worst enemy, but I’m my best friend. You can’t escape your prison if the cage is in your head

Break free.”

Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player. — Alice Cooper

Thank you for taking the time to read this, who ever you are. I appreciate it more than you know.

Let me start by stating a fact you may or may not have been aware of. If you get anything at all from this first blog post, get this:

Making the decision to ask for help, talking to a counselor or psychiatrist or your school guidance counselor…takes great courage and more importantly strength to do. You have no idea how strong you are to be able to do that.

It’s not a weakness to admit that you need a helping hand. It takes far more courage to do it than some will ever know. Some people think that they don’t need the help, or that it’s for weak people. No. The most intelligent and strong will look for solutions to things they need fixed. A fool will deny he needs any help. There are many fools among us my friends. You can’t learn anything if you think you’re always right.

Learn to admit when you are wrong. And more importantly, when you need a helping hand. Believe me, we all do at some point in life. We all do.

Some days are far worse than others. But the dull ache of your brain always reverting back to a state of a mixture of self loathing, intense sadness and loneliness is usually not far from thought. Its involuntary, and on bad days you cannot control your thoughts. Those thoughts can range from past traumatic events, trying to go back and do it differently in your mind. Somehow try to change the memory of what was. Sometimes your thoughts make up events or situations, that never happened. Sometimes, you think they will happen and you try to prepare yourself to make the correct decision on a situation that you think may occur.

A lot of mental energy is consumed on a daily basis you can’t even imagine unless you’ve been there. For as long as I remember, I’ve been exhausted. Drained. I wake up in the morning, and its like I haven’t slept at all. My dreams are even troubled. I’ve had dreams where I wake up crying because they were so sad that all my emotions flowed as if the details of my nightmares were absolutely true. Even when I awoke, I had to think about if what I experienced was a dream or a memory.

Its confusing when it’s both. That fog from the dream, the emotions I felt when I woke up crying, stay with me the entire day. That same feeling of hopeless sadness is with me every decision, car ride, bank withdraw, conversation, email or task I have all day long.

There is a difference from having a bad day and having depression. When the bad day ends for people who don’t have depression, they go to sleep and reset themselves for the things they will have to endure throughout the next day. That could be a horrible boss or coworker or an acquaintance. Those with depression endure even after they go home. Their horrible day doesn’t end when they get home. Sometimes, it’s just getting started.

I hope that this was a good enough start. I’m not even a writer so, I question everything I do. My thoughts tend to be scattered on the best of days and its hard to focus. This is due to medications and the depression as it affects memory badly.

Again, if you or someone you know is struggling. Look for help. Talk to someone you can trust. Encourage them to seek someone to talk to. The person suffering will more than likely not want to speak to anyone about their depression. There are feelings of self loathing and embarrassment due to this condition. Be gentle, please be kind.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for joining me!

This is not a site for a cure to depression, or how I’ve overcome it. I haven’t. I’m still fighting a war I may not even win. This is just documentation of my struggles and experience. I don’t claim to have the answers.

This blog is simply an honest recollection of past and present events that led me to here and now. I’m going to make mistakes. Mistakes in life and here on this page. I will be open and honest with you about me, my life and my future. My hope, is that I can perhaps provide someone with insight and perspective of what it’s like living with depression.

I sincerely hope this story has a happy ending, but it may not.

If I can help someone who is struggling, if I can light a way I will. My purpose here is to provide people who are struggling with hope. And to show they are not alone.

I’m not a doctor or healthcare professional. But I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life. From day care to adulthood. I will do my best to shed light on a dark topic that is largely not understood by the general public.

Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player. — Alice Cooper