Well. It’s been over a year since my last blog post. A lot has happened in a year. Both to me and our world. Those that were here to learn about Depression for a loved one or a friend may now be here for themselves. You see, the world we find ourselves in now, for me…I’ve been hibernating in my house for the last 12 years. Because I live alone, and choose to be alone, this pandemic hasn’t changed my world at all. I’ve been thriving creatively and emotionally. Oh, I’ve had my moments I assure you. I’ve lost two pets in 4 months this year. Long term pets. That brought me down. But not the pandemic, not yet. Had I not been going to counselling and therapy for the last 2.5 years I might not have been able to survive two major losses that close to each other.

People feeling the anxiety, the depression that this new way of living during the pandemic now have a glimpse into the world of the suicidal depression. Now, we’re not so different, are we? Matter of fact, I’m already quite used to living this way. I see a lot of people struggling now. Wanting to socialize, and wanting to be around people because they feel so alone. And this is understandable. Folks, this world is built to kill us and it’s damn sure going to thin the herd with this disease. Stay safe, stay sane folks. I’m going to try to help with the sane part. It’s going to be a long road ahead folks. Halloween will not be the same. Birthdays will be spent away from loved ones. Holidays like Xmas will be virtual. Our lives are changed now and we have to get used to them, adapt to the change. Those who don’t will see themselves out of this world. Many will not be able to adjust. A Great Depression is coming. Just like the one my grandfather lived through. We are all going to struggle in some form or another that I promise you. If you know someone who is struggling in the past, talk to them. See how they’re doing. I have a blog post that is titled ‘Friendships are like a plant’. And it’s true. If you feed and water it and give it enough sun it will grow and blossom and if like every plant I’ve ever owned it will die a very quick death. Kidding. Seriously though, you must feed your friendship with people. It’s now harder than ever to do so. Now the only way to do it is by face time or zoom or whatever program you use to see people on the phone. That is not enough. We are all craving connection with people. The loneliness is going to come. Especially at night when people are supposed to be sleeping. That is a time when you will feel even more alone and desperate. How can you offset this? Find a hobby. It’s that simple.

I don’t mean to normalize this, but, find something you love. Art, woodworking, writing, drawing, music or whatever. Something that inspires you, moves you in some way. That could be helping others who need it by organizing food drives, clothing donations, counselling for you or your friends. Find a new thing that you like, video games, photography, art, sports like golf. Go for lots of walks. Create, record and release music on your smartphone. Yes, it can be done. Read books, go to a pet shelter, adopt or foster an animal. Read a comic, then create an idea for one to create. Strum guitar and upload it to YouTube. Reach out to a whole new group of people because you won’t ever have enough. Especially now.

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news and gloom and doom. However, it’s come upon us and will be here for the foreseeable future and we’re going to have to deal with what the fallout is going to be. This world is rough, and we all have to respond with raging kindness now more than ever to turn the tide back against the negativity. Tell your family you love them. Every single day. Spend time with your kids because now is the time. Invest in yourself, you don’t have to buy expensive equipment for your hobby. Buy used guitars to start off. Use the internet to teach yourself the notes. But find something you love and plant a seed. Let it grow and develop you into a better person. You can choose to become bitter, and angry, depressed and alone. Or you can pick up that paint brush and put it to a canvas and pain something so beautiful or scary or loving or angry and as dark as you want.

Start doing something you love, helping someone you love or do something you love to do with someone you love. Relationships with your friends and family. Family especially. Be there for them. Check in on those you know who struggle because they might be struggling really hard right now. Maybe you can help. Maybe you might feel better for helping and feel less lonely. Maybe. But not if you don’t do it.

“Do or do not. There is no try”

Yoda is so wise. Because in treating people well, either you do or you do not. But if you do, don’t do a half ass-ed job. Do it well and maybe we all can feel well. By creating happiness for others, we create our own. Also, cannabis. This is good. It makes you happy. It does. If you live in a place where it’s legal and you aren’t driving or cooking or using chainsaws or ninja star throwing? You should try cannabis. It makes anything you’re doing besides aforementioned no nos fun and happy. If it doesn’t. Its because you snorted it. Don’t snort or inject cannabis ok? That leads to…I don’t even know bad sinuses for sure though.

Some people love to be negative. Some love the attention and want sympathy. This isn’t depression. These are people with emotional problems. Please for the love of cannabis, know the difference. People with depression have negative emotions, feelings. That doesn’t mean they are negative people. Trust me, if you lived a year in my shoes, you probably wouldn’t be living after that. I am very sure that if someone who never experienced depression had what some people with severe depression have, you would kill yourself very very quickly.

We are not weak, stupid or dumb. We are your daughters, mothers, fathers and sons. We are stronger than you think. Mentally, in some cases, we are far stronger then you. There are no breaks, there is no time out. So when you start to think we are just feeling sorry for ourselves. You are contributing to the negative stigma that surrounds a disease. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t make it less then other diseases. Depression has killed more people than cancer. Read that again. Drug addicts, alcoholics who drink themselves to death or OD. Why do you think they do that? Because they are living with a disease that isn’t taken seriously be the general public. They are alone, fighting their battles on their own.

You can have more then one mental illness. Depression contributes to many. I had a crippling gambling addiction for about 10 years. 10 years of paychecks going down the tubes, ten years of borrowing money, ten years of shame. Addiction is connected to mental illness. In my case I was gambling to try to forget, to feel better, to distract myself. What a costly mistake that was. I almost lost everything. My nest egg was gone. I never recovered financially. How much did I spend? I can only guess. Id say at least, $30,000. At the very least. I am proud to say that I haven’t gambled in 13 years. I don’t know how I beat it other then I was completely done hurting myself and my family. I would get physically ill thinking about sitting at a slot machine for hours and hours. Frustrated, angry and suicidal.

I also want to give a warning to people who dare to make fun of someone with depression. Think about it for a minute would you? If someone is ready willing and able to leave this world and die by their own hand…what do you think we would do to you? If someone is willing to end their own life, and you make fun of that, they might take you with them. School shootings happen because of bullying. People destroying lives because other people destroyed theirs. You don’t get the whole story in a school shooting, just the end result. I’m not condoning their actions, I’m trying to give you a glimpse into their mind. When your whole life is shit, when your school life is shit, your home life is shit, its very very easy to believe that your whole life will end up that way. So why continue on?

I lost a friend to suicide in grade 8. He took so much abuse from everyone in that school. And at home. He had access to a gun and used it. But you know what? All of us in that class were lucky beyond belief. Because he could have turned that hatred towards to the people who hurt him. I think it was a close decision. I remember the last day I seen him alive at school. It was a weekend before exams that year. He was happier than I had ever seen him. I mean extremely sociable, extroverted and energized. At the time I sincerely thought he had turned a corner. A positive step. However, hindsight being 20/20, I know see he was happy because he already made the decision to leave this world.

I wish I was a better friend to him. I wish I could have talked to him, I wish I knew more about the disease then. I am not making that mistake again. If you have problems or are feeling low or down. Call me. Text me. Email me. I’m here.

There is already an epidemic with depression. People have it without knowing they have it. We have very famous rock stars who have all the money and drugs and whatever in the world. Yet they still chose to leave this existence. That’s how strong it is. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, it doesn’t matter. None of that shit matter people.

You know what matters the most in this life? The relationships we cultivate with each other. That is the meaning of life and happiness. You can have all the nice houses and cars and drugs in the world. But if you don’t have good relationships with people, if you don’t have support and love, this world is a horrible place to live.

Things are changing for me. Good things are happening in my cage that could one day lead to me escaping my prison. I’ve learned some things about myself I’d like to share with you all. Sometimes we need to let go of what we believe to be able to believe new and different ideas and thoughts. A way of thinking that may have been a safety mechanism to keep us safe in the past, maybe a hindrance to ourselves in the future. Things change in this life. Hopefully you most of all. That’s the thing. Keep growing. An old dog isn’t too old to learn new tricks. Ruff.

I used to think that whatever I did, art, music or work all had to be 100% flawless and perfect. If it wasn’t, it wasn’t worth doing to me. So I didn’t do anything. No art, no music, no hobbies for 5 years. I was dying inside. I’m creative and creative people have to create. But, I know I’m not alone in that we as artists can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. To be the best we can be. Creating is a very vulnerable thing. People judge and criticize and usually have no talent themselves to do any better. They could, but talent = time. If you want to be good at anything, it takes time. Lots of time. And it will never be perfect. I’ve accepted this. I create art, imperfect on purpose to challenge the perfectionist within to just let it go. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Nothing I’ve ever done was ever perfect. I don’t know anyone who ever has.

Being a man, sometimes you gotta be tough. Not just physically but mentally. I see a lot of big little men walking around thinking because they weigh 250lbs they are real men. That isn’t always the case. However, that being said. There are times you have to be vulnerable to let others be vulnerable. What I mean is that, if you don’t have a vulnerable side, you won’t understand those that do. Therefore closing you off from people. It’s ok to be vulnerable. Because it puts others around you at ease and allows them to be vulnerable as well. This will lead to communication between you and with communication comes learning. We can learn from each other if we are willing to listen. This tough guy macho bullshit won’t get you far. So you can drink 18 beers. Good for you. If that is your measurement of being a man, you will act like a child for the rest of your life. There are many a man child among us.

I’ve learned that its ok to make mistakes. In fact, its a good idea to get used to them and even welcome them. They are learning opportunities, stepping stones to a greater you. Mistakes keep you humble. Stay humble or be humbled. Your choice. I’ve stayed frozen for years in fear of making mistakes in work, art, and life. That isn’t living. That’s just existing and I’m guilty of doing that for many years. Do we really demand perfection out of each other? Or is it we just demand it from ourselves? I demanded it from myself. A task that is impossible and every failure felt like another nail in the coffin. Mistakes are good. Keep making them. Make as many as you want. Just, don’t make the same mistakes over and over. Learn from them. Grow from them. Live.

Be careful who you trust in this life. Being vulnerable around the wrong people is a fear that I think many share. Which is why the toxic masculinity is so prominent with boys and men wannabes. Some people can’t be trusted because they can’t keep their mouths shut. Some can’t be trusted because they are stupid. I’m serious. Having a meaningful intellectual conversation with someone not capable of interpreting the point you are trying to make, makes it a frustrating experience. Some are not capable. Know who you can be vulnerable around. Know who you can trust. This takes time. Many people will take advantage of you and your kindness. You HAVE to set up a clear set of healthy boundaries for yourself. I had a hard time with that because I hated myself. It’s complicated. I didn’t know who I could trust with what and learned the hard way how cruel kids can be. I had a hard time walking away from abusive friendships. Thinking that it was just me, or that things would improve. They didn’t and won’t. But you can improve on yourself and who you let in.
The last thing I would like to mention about myself. I tried so hard in school to try to please others and be the funny clown jester guy. Making people laugh was my way in and I felt I had to be on all the time. For a few years in elementary and high school, I was. I would do anything for a laugh. Anything…I became a comedy jukebox. Trying to please everyone with skits, Saturday night live impressions, monologues and jokes. In some ways, I was very successful. But it became so damn exhausting to maintain. To be on 24/7 is impossible. Somehow I did it. But when I couldn’t do it anymore, it seemed people thought I was a snob. Man, it had nothing to do with that. I became exhausted with life. Being around people really took its toll out of my energy. Because if I wasn’t funny, I was a snob. Well, all those people still think I’m a snob because I stopped coming out to parties etc. If you can’t be bothered to find out the truth of what I was going through and still am going through, I can’t be bothered with you. There are so many misconceptions regarding depression and mental health. While I want to educate, I don’t have the energy to argue. Either learn or get out of my way. I don’t have time for ignorance anymore.

I don’t have to please others to feel accepted anymore. I’m quite comfortable with who I am now. While not perfect, I’m worthy. I’m a good person despite flaws and I care about people. I’m on my way becoming something better than what I once was.

Give it enough sunlight and water and it will grow and blossom. If the plant does not get these two fundamental things it needs to survive, it will cease to. So will your friendships.

When someone you know is struggling, sometimes they need more sunlight and water then people who don’t suffer from depression. I say sometimes because it all depends on the stage of their condition. Some new to the world of depression will shut people out and be by themselves. Its normal, but a unhealthy way to cope with the disease. Some are embarrassed that they are going through something that THEY think is a weakness or fault within themselves. If you only knew of the strength it takes to be lonely everyday and the day after that. I guarantee you, that if you don’t maintain your own well being, if you are one of those people that looks at depression as a fault or weakness, that you wouldn’t last a day in my shoes. You could not survive my thoughts. You could not wait to die. This isn’t an excuse to get away with anything. We don’t want your sympathy. I sure don’t. But, some company once in a while would be nice.

Its been brought to my attention that people are often intimidated or don’t know what to say to people with depression because they don’t want to set them off. That is a fair point. As long as you aren’t an asshole you’re good. You don’t need to solve their problems. You can’t, get over the way YOU feel and worry about how THEY feel. Just being there is a great thing for people with depression. Makes us feel normal for a while. But when we are ignored, how do you think that makes us feel? Like worthless shit is how it feels. Like we are a burden to be around. I don’t sit here and bring people down when they are over. In fact I go out of my way to make people laugh and be positive, so not sure why I’m so alone but here I am. Sometimes you have to let go of toxic or bad friendships. Maybe that’s why I’m alone? I hope not.

If we are such downers I guess leave us alone then. Just don’t sit there and be shocked when we aren’t around anymore for you either. Whether we take ourselves out or we check out of the friendship.

The greatest things in this life is people. Our family and friends. (hopefully). But the worst things in this world are the same as the greatest. People. A great many of people, are on a different plain I don’t exist on anymore. Superficial, materialistic. Yes I have a cell, and PlayStation. I’m a part of that but it just seems we are in a competition with our peers with the size of house we own, the type of car and social status. We care so much about what others think of us, we get tattoos to look more bad ass or whatever the reason. We buy expensive things to impress people we don’t even like. I’m tired. I’m just so very tired with this way of existing. Yet I’m just as guilty as anyone, I’ve wanted all those things just like anyone else. Now? I’m in so much debt that it’s ridiculous. Even if I wanted the new car, or gold watch and that crap, there is no way to afford it. There is not enough to go around for even basic needs. The cost of living is so damn high, millennials will never leave their parents. They simply can’t. The days of being able to afford things, like buying a house or new car are not possible for the blue collar workers anymore. Even white collar people need roommates to help pay the bills.

Entertainment for me consists of playing and recording music. Playing some video games and watching Netflix. I do nothing else. Going to a movie is a expensive endeavor if you want to enjoy snacks, drinks. And if you are taking a family of four, you are paying a large sum of money for this family experience. Bars? I’m so over bars. Plus I don’t drink.

I think spending time with people I love, conversing about whatever comes up, smoking a joint in nature are great things for myself. Its tough to be able to get out of the city especially if you don’t own a vehicle. Spending time in nature is so good for the soul. Being around trees, plants and open sky. Its a natural healing remedy for depression and anxiety. In my opinion. Add some good people and a joint and you’ve got yourself a good time.

When you have good friendships or plants, and give those the maintenance they need like sunlight and water, those plants (friendships) can provide a bit of nature for you in a concrete jungle.

Don’t forget to water your plants folks.

That was a survival tactic with me most of my life. I hate to admit this, but several of my closest friends growing up were nothing more than bullies and bigots. In order to stay out of their way, I had to befriend them. After a while we became friends. But an enemy is always an enemy. Oh, you can be friends for a while, but their true identity will reveal itself and you will be at odds with them again. It may be for acts they commit against someone you care about or their toxic behaviour will undoubtedly be focused on you time and time again. With friends like that, you don’t need enemies.

You are what you spend time with. If you spend time with snakes…you will start to slither like one. Change your environment, and only allow positive people to enter your world. Unless you are keeping your enemies at bay. Just move on when you can. It becomes harder to move away the longer you wait. Those people, just because they are not toxic to you at the time, they are still toxic people and that will splash upon you again in the future I promise you.

I was physically and mentally abused by students in my elementary school. I wasn’t the only one. Unfortunately, in the school ground, it can be like sharks getting the smell of blood. A feeding frenzy and if you don’t want to be made fun of, it’s easier to become part of the problem. They say kids can be cruel. I can verify that they can. I’m not absolving myself of any wrongdoing. I did some bullying of my own and I regret doing that every day. I have to learn how to forgive myself. It’s hard. I’m not what I was then, I’m finally the person I was meant to be. Perfect? Absolutely not. What is perfect? I don’t know if I want to be perfect. What I do want, is to be an intelligent, compassionate human being that treats everyone well. I think the world can do with more people like that. Be the change you want to see. Teach your children well, to be tolerant, respectful and empathetic, please. We have enough trash in this world. Let’s clean up.

Look for those around you who accept you and others as they are. If you see an acquaintance treat people badly, like a waitress or people in the service industry, chances are those are not the kind of company you’re going to want to keep. Look for people showing acts of kindness to others. Those people you want to hold onto. Do acts of kindness for people who don’t expect it. It will brighten your day and be a shining example of what this world can be to others. Maybe you will inspire someone else to do the same act of kindness to someone else. This and only this will make the world a better place. You are the one that has to live with yourself. If you are doing selfish things, eventually this will wear on you. But the acts of kindness, those memories are priceless.

Finding a reason to get up in the morning is more difficult than you might think. When you envision loading that gun constantly, images of the end flash through your mind. Thinking of ways to die is a thought process I go through every day. I certainly don’t choose to. It just happens. You honestly just get used to it. Its just life. But when that morning comes, and you feel like you haven’t slept, thinking about going through a gruelling day at work was unsettling, to say the least. Scenarios of possible future encounters with people I dislike, exhaust me. I’ve got a good read on people. That has both served me well and hindered me beyond belief.

I’ve avoided bad situations with really crappy people because I got an indication of what they were about. Sometimes your friends, are really just wolves in sheep clothing. I roamed with wolf packs. Some bad situations lasted years. Sometimes you want those closest to you to be the friends you deserve so bad, you give them endless chances to prove themselves. That is not a good strategy I can attest to. If someone crosses you purposely in this life, move the hell on. They are not going to be the people you want them to be. The wisdom to know that can take decades.

I used to spend hours drawing as a kid. Many many hours. I became good. Not great but very good. But after high school, things changed for me. I loved the social aspect of school. But hated the academic side. I’d show people the things I drew and it was very satisfying because of the feedback. But when school ended there was no more feedback. My creativity died a slow painful death.

I recently resurrected my creativity by playing music. I play guitar and record music using Garageband on my iPhone. I’ve played music for years, but limited skills held me back. When you compare yourself to legends of rock, you will always come up short. Don’t do it. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Just yourself. I spent years being inactive playing music because I thought if I can’t be as good as my guitar heroes, why bother? Why? Because its fun. It makes you feel good and it’s absolutely a depression killer.

So I’m not the greatest guitar player in the world. So what? If you wait your whole life to write epic masterpieces and only epic masterpieces you will live and die doing nothing at all. To be really good at something, anything in this life, you absolutely must fail at it first. Jimi Hendrix was one of the best players on the history of this planet. Did he just pick the guitar up and start playing masterpieces? Absolutely not. He devoted time. There is no such thing as talent. But there is a thing called time. If you want to master anything. Do it. Do it every day, as much as you can. Sometimes you’re going to have to stay home from the raging party going on at buddy s place and play your guitar. Time is what counts. Talent doesn’t exist. Time is all we have, use it.

Playing music isn’t going to solve my problems. But, it is great for the brain and it distracts you from thinking very morbid thoughts about pulling a trigger. Folks. There is no cure for depression. From severe lifelong depression. So, we have to fill our time with passion, good people and purpose.

I sing, play guitar and record, producing my music. Yeah, I failed at times to come up with things I want to hear over and over again. But, I’ve also created things I cannot stop playing on my speakers. I’m in competition with no one but myself. Can I improve on the quality of sound from yesterday? Yes. How? By learning from my mistakes. Mistakes are how you learn. I’ve just learned that after 40 years in this world. Better late than never. Believe me, there are many people who don’t.
Am I going to be a famous Rock Star? No. Am I going to be rich from playing music, maybe even publishing it online sometime? No. I accept that. If that is your whole reason to play music, cool. If that is what drives you, cool. Many have made a career with those ambitions. Many have come up short and hated themselves for failing. Be careful of the goals you set for yourself. Don’t set yourself up for failure.

I just play. I love it. It makes me feel good. I need that in life right now. One song at a time.

If you are struggling, find what makes you get up and go, what makes you happy. That could be a pet, a friend, spouse, child, hobby or whatever. But dive into it. Make changes in your schedule to find time to do what makes you happy. Getting out of the house is important. Go for walks, visit friends, and even volunteer at a personal care home. (This is a process you can’t just walk in and volunteer that day) Making someones day, can have such an impact on your own. If you can make a 95 year old smile for the first time in days or even weeks, that is such a great feeling. Sometimes, when we focus our attention on someone else s happiness, we create our own.

Do not wait until a crisis to talk to someone. Do you know how many before you thought they could handle it on their own? “I can do it by myself, I’m not a pussy! I don’t need anybody, especially a shrink!” Many people left this world with thoughts like those in their heads.

Don’t wait, do it now. Do it when you’re strong enough because I promise you, there will be a time when you can’t and that’s when you’re going to need it the most.

It takes time to set up a meeting, filling out questionnaires and forms. It isn’t an instant thing. Even if it was instant, you would have to get to know your counsellor for a while and more importantly, they have to get to know you. This process takes some time.

Think about what you are going to say before you go. Prepare for your counsellor. Make sure you are ready to talk about the details and potential concerns or questions you may have.

Depression and suicidal thoughts are like having a dual personality. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hide. One side of me would beg the other to go and get help, someone to talk to immediately. Alarms going off, red flags dropping. Like a great con artist, Mr. Hide would convince me I was fine, that I could handle this. That I’ve got this. Leaving me more vulnerable than I could have imagined. And when the night came, so did incredible exasperating sadness ripping through me to my soul. “You’re nothing, you’re weak, a real man would have already done what needs to be done. You’re a pussy. Pull the trigger. Do it. Look at you, you’re nobody, nothing. Why are you still here? Fuck this world and fuck you”.

During the day, I’d often wonder, “what was so bad last night? Why was I so down? I’m fine today”. Then the sun goes down and its no longer fine, and you’re wondering why you were asking yourself those questions during the day when you feel like dying and the answer to those questions is crystal clear. During the day, my attitude was, “Ah I’ll be alright tonight. Don’t be a pussy” When night comes I find myself wondering why I had been so foolish enough to think I would be alright.

You cannot expect that a counsellor who doesn’t know you, will be able to resolve your issues in one or two sessions. You’re in for a long journey, solutions don’t come from your counsellor. They come from you. Talking to someone, and hopefully, it’s a well trained professional, keeps your perspective realistic. I found that I started looking forward to my sessions. The work I was doing started to make me feel better because I was doing something about it. But the work has to be done by you. And believe me, it’s not as easy as you may think. How do you combat the disease of the mind? Of your emotions? When your mind works against you, it’s quite counterproductive.

You have to recognize that the person you are talking too will have a different perspective on your issues than you will. And that is the key. They will be able to see the issues from a different angle, and therefore help you find your own solutions.

Depression works against you. Sometimes you need to tag someone in like a tag-team wrestling match you watch on TV. Getting those proverbial chair shots from your opponents can be very tiresome. That’s when you gotta tag in your partner, your tag team counsellor. Explain what you need to explain, honestly, and as to the point as you can. The stone cold truth. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time.

Keeping things bottled up within tends to have it self destruct from inside out. Like cancer. Sometimes when your mind lies to you for so long, you tend to believe it, when Mr. Hide starts to make sense, you are in trouble.

Your counsellor should be kind first and foremost. If they are not. Leave. Do not pay for a cold human being. They cannot help you. They will not help you. Kindness, intelligence, empathy, resourcefulness. These are the qualities of a good tag team partner.

I’m a lucky guy.

I found a counsellor that I want to talk with. I trust her. She remembers the things I tell her and takes notes so she can look at them and prepare for our session. She has helped to guide me in the last year. She isn’t my first counsellor but is by far the best.

There is not going to be a cure for my depression. It’s not going to just fade away and off into the sunset I go. But, I can learn ways to deal with it, new wrestling maneuvers to attack my disease rather than absorb beating after beating. New strategies to survive attacks. Counters to known maneuvers. Yeah, I know what to expect. I’ve studied my opponent.

If this were a wrestling promo, it would go something like this:

Hey depression, you’re the pussy. That’s right, I’ve got mic skills too. I’ll say it again. Hey depression, you’re the pussy. Why? Because you want me to do the job, that you can’t do. You want me to end myself because you’re too much of a pussy to get the job done yourself.

Don’t go at this alone. Tag your partner in.

When a man lies he murders some part of the world.

These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives.

All this I cannot bear to witness anylonger.

Cannot the kindom of salvation take me home?

Paul Gerhardt

Being suicidal does not necessarily mean that I automatically know all the information surrounding this diagnosis. I’m learning everyday. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to run in front of a bus right at this time. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But what frustrates me is that people think that suicide is a selfish decision, that they took the easy way out. Easy? Nothing about suicide is easy. Not on the people around it or the person living and dying in it. People like to discourage those thinking about suicide telling them, “that’s the easy way out, you’re being selfish”. Be careful. This can push a person right over the edge. I had a former very dear friend tell me once: “I don’t think you want to die, if you were going to kill yourself you’d have already done it”. I swear, if I had a gun, I would have put it to my temple and pulled the trigger that very second. Just to show him I’m dead serious about this. That almost pushed me over the edge. But I knew it was coming from a place of ignorance, not anything malicious. It hurt, but it was not meant to. However, even knowing that, I still would have pulled that trigger. That decision would have been instant. No thought at all. Because in that moment, my best friend had no idea what was going on with me. And that is one of the lonliest feelings in the world. What am I fighting this hard to live for when those closest to me look down upon me? Judging me.

I stay home most of the time because I don’t want to be pushed over the edge by people. Sometimes it seems the world just wants to cause me pain at every turn. I’ve also been told “its all in your head”. Meaning get over it. Or this one: “other people have it worse than you”. Someone has a broken leg, do we sit there and lecture them about people having it worse then themselves? No.

We sure do when someone with a mental injury says that though don’t we? Everyone seems to think they have the perfect combination of words to put together for someone with depression. Because we think the person is feeling sorry for themselves. Some people do feel sorry for themselves. That is NOT depression. Having a pity party is not a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is a game lonely people play to get attention. Maybe that is their way to reach out? I don’t have that answer as to why people want attention. It varies with the individual. People with clinical depression don’t want any attention. Trust me, that is a fact. Why do you think we spend so much time alone?

The friends I do have mean a lot to me. I’d do anything for them. Some may not understand everything that I’m going though, and that’s ok. They understand enough. I wish I could see them more. Part of this is my own fault because I push people away sometimes. That is all part of depression. It doesn’t always make a whole lot of sense, even to the person going though it.

You cannot rely on your friends to pick you up, that’s something you have to learn to do on your own. That doesn’t mean deny people trying to help. That means don’t rely on them to always pick you up. Thats not anyone’s job. Can you imagine someone expecting you to do that for them? That kind of pressure is too much for anyone to carry. You have to take responsibiltity for your well being. You have to try, not to die.

If you have a free couple of minutes, consider searching YouTube for a piece of instrumental music composed by Metallica in 1988 as a tribute to their late bassist Cliff Burton called: “To live is to die”.

That song has a lot of meaning to me. It reminds me of a fallen friend who took his own life. May the kingdom of salvation take him home.

When you are in the throes of depression, every thought is against you, like a razor blade against your skin; Everything hurts and when those around you don’t have empathy, their words can become barbed wire in the mind. Soon you avoid people because they are all functioning as they should and it reminds you that you are not functioning well at all. And when your emotions and thoughts become injury, sometimes words are like weapons and can easily cripple you inside.

When someone dismisses someone else’s emotional pain as something they should shake off, like dust from an old book, it may feel that you as a person are weaker than you should be. That your book is missing vital pages to tell a story, that your tale isn’t good enough. You feel like you are not as smart or capable as others because you cannot handle your thoughts like them. It makes you want to close the book and end this terrible story that is your reality. If depression were because of a negative attitude, no one would kill themselves. It’s not that cut and dry folks. Yes, it’s complicated and hard to know what to say. Imagine the person experiencing it. It’s not a broken leg you set and put a cast on and heal. I don’t even know where to put the bandages, but I know there’s blood because I’m drowning in it.

This makes talking to someone with depression a daunting task for fear of saying the wrong thing and setting the person off into a crisis situation. So, most people ignore the person and eventually they fade from your life as you see them less and less over the years. This seems to be the route most travelled because it avoids confrontation or offending the person struggling. Plus, if they are going to kill themselves, why get attached? That is normal thinking I think for anyone. How do you even help someone with depression or even know what to say to them? I’ll tell you.

Be kind (Be kind to everyone, you don’t know the battles they may be fighting). Please. Treating them normally. Like anyone else. By listening to what they say if they are brave enough to tell you. You don’t need to provide solutions or suggestions on how to live or what to do in order to feel better. Just, be with them. Talk to them. Be yourself. Let them know you care. You don’t have to cure them. You can’t cure them. We just want to feel normal. Talk to us about Game of Thrones, and Wrestling, or music and movies. We may even open up to you and let you know of some of our struggles. If we don’t, that’s OK too. It doesn’t mean we like you less than others. It just means at this time, we are trying to be normal, to be able to fit in and be a part of a normal part of life.

A negative attitude can be contagious. But depression isn’t. I promise you won’t catch it from us. It may make you feel for us if you have the capacity yes. But, eventually, it will leave you. Some of us aren’t so fortunate to have that peace. Most of the time, we want to forget about it for a while, so when we hang out, its not always a therapy session. It’s for a good time because we like to be around you. Because we love you. But when that phone stops ringing and those texts turn to one-word answers, we learn to live with loss. I’ve lost so many friends to this disease. Many thought I abandoned them. I was just wounded, and vulnerable to people without the capacity to try to understand. Some people I miss. Some I don’t miss at all. I’m not angry with those who left me. Because you were never strong enough to walk with me in the first place. We parted ways because you refused to try to understand not because you couldn’t. We all have been at the starting point of knowledge. That I have no problem with. But if you refuse to go further, you become ignorant and I have no time to waste on purposely ignorant people. If you are so stubborn that you can’t change your opinion when presented with evidence to rival your beliefs, I’m better off alone.

This life is about learning, changing and growing. We do this by talking to people, trying to better ourselves by learning things we didn’t know yesterday. So that we are better prepared for the trials of tomorrow.

Thank you for reading this. Please, be kind to each other.